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Revenge affairs


Anyone whose world has been rocked by the devastation of an affair will understand the desire for a revenge affair.

Some may admit to having had the thought “if he had an affair, then I should have an affair also and show him how it feels” or “here I have been a faithful spouse, and he got to feel that spark with someone new. I wish I could have those feelings sparked in me again by new partner”.

Whatever your circumstance, the desire for a revenge affair is common. More more often, for recovery experts are finding that among the couples they are looking to heal, more and more of them have had affairs on both sides.

I wanted to share an article by Anne Bercht, on the topic of revenge affairs. This topic came up recently in one of my support groups, and I thought it was relevant to share in case others are having these feelings. revenge affairs

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/weekly_surviving_affairs_newsletters.htm

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Burden of responsibility and getting off Scott-free


When we are children, we are taught to share.  We are taught to “play  nice”.  When one child does something inappropriate to another, they are reprimanded.  If two children pair up to do something to a third child, both instigating children are found equally culpable, even when one points the finger at the other and said “she told me to!”, or “it was his idea!”.  What caused the circumstance is rarely an issue.  We care about making it RIGHT, and holding accountable those who contributed to the problem.  We don’t care whose idea it was, who pressured who into action….both are guilty, right?

Why is it then, that when we look at issues of infidelity, we, as women, are asked to not be upset with the whores who tried to steal our husbands and overturn our families.  Time and time again, we read about, and are told “she owed you nothing”, or “he was the one with the contract with you, not her”, or “he broke his vows, she didn’t owe you anything”, and we are asked to excuse the mistress because she isn’t the one who broke the vow.  Really?  Is it just me that strikes a bad chord with?   Am I simply too close to my own situation and filled with hatred and resentment that I am unable to see clearly what these other wise sages see?

I was recently on you tube looking up the videos I shared last week on the blog from Dr. Phil.  A quick search brought up this little number from Judge Judy.

Feel free to watch it in its entirety, but what I wanted to point out from it was that in her angry vent, the wife expresses dismay towards the “other woman”, to which Judge Judy replies that she owes her nothing.  That she isn’t the one who broke their marriage contract, and that she best take a closer look at her husband, instead of placing the blame on the mistress.   I can see both viewpoints, but I disagree entirely on this position of letting the mistress whore off scott-free.   If this were  a sandbox scuffle, mama bear would have come in and punished both, no?

I hold an immense amount of hatred towards my husband’s mistress.  Immense.  Gigantic.  Immeasurable.  If I could see her suffer, I would want a front row seat, with popcorn and perhaps a little candy to sweeten the deal.  I admit it entirely, and don’t keep it a secret.  I hate her with every cell in my body.   Do I hold her responsible?  Yes.  Is she solely responsible?  No.  My husband had free will and choice when he decided to violate our marriage.  He had the choice to walk away, to say no, to resist the feelings their interaction created.  He had CHOICE.  He made BAD CHOICES.  They BOTH did.   Why don’t I hate my husband to the same degree?  Why don’t I fantasize about him suffering emotionally and physically?  Why don’t I wish horrid circumstances to befall him, and instead try to protect him from sadness and hurt after all he’s done?

One word: Remorse.

My husband shows me through his words and actions that he regrets his choice.  He broke all contact with her, and committed to the marriage.  He’s attended therapy with me weekly for more than a year.  He’s listened, showed empathy, tried to make things right and correct the wrongs, tried to protect me from the evil that came from his actions.  He is remorseful?

Is she remorseful?  Not one iota.  Does she regret her choice?  She probably only regrets HOW she went about certain things, because in the end she lost him.  She probably regrets not digging deeper, or finding more malicious ways of keeping her hooks dug in deep.  She may regret having asked him to make a choice.  But does she regret ‘going for it?’.  No.  That is a guarantee.  Does she regret me finding out?  No, because she wants to see me suffer, and wanted me to know all along.  Does she show regret when she calls the police with false claims against me in order to keep me reminded of the ‘power’ she feels she has over me?   Does she show regret when she creates false legal claims designed to bankrupt my family, knowing that her child support payments can never be impacted, and are safeguarded no matter what happens to us financially?  No.  She has NEVER apologized.  She has never admitted fault. She has never acknowledged the pain she has caused.  She never will.  I see her sitting alone in her apartment with her child, no one to help her, no one to take over while she takes a nap, no one to share her child’s milestones with – totally alone.  But I do see a smug smile on her face when she thinks about the pain she inflicted and continues to inflict because she is evil like that.  She gets a perverse pleasure out of causing discomfort to others.  She used to do it to my husband in their relationship…make threats, cause drama, take things to the edge of normal and then rope him back, seemingly turned on by the rock and hard place she’d wedged him in.  Smug like a puppeteer holding the strings, watching others dance at her command.  That kind of person, smug and glee-filled at the thought of her destruction would never apologize.  In her mind, it will always be someone else’s fault.  It was my husband’s fault for coming on to her, it was my fault for not being complementary enough to my husband and showing him the support he needed during a rough time, it was his fault for creating a close working environment for them, it was my fault for not being the wife he needed….whatever spin she puts on it, she will always be the victim, and we the guilty party.

Why then, if these women actively prey on married men, and seek them out, are we not entitled to find them culpable, to hate them?  Why, if it takes two to cause an affair, are both parties not equally guilty, not equally responsible to the wife?  If I physically trespass on someone’s physical property, and cause irreparable damage, you can bet I will be held responsible.  She trespassed on my marriage, and yet, she “owes me nothing”???

Why do these women get their cake and eat it too?  They can walk into a marriage, engage the husband in an affair, enjoy the relationship and then walk away with no responsibility?  What is this, a car lease?   What about common decency?  What about humanity?  What about simple code of ethical conduct?   I can’t imagine EVER feeling entitled enough to do what she did, and to then CONTINUE to wreak havoc on the one I’d transgressed against.  I wouldn’t have the guts.

My healing journey would look totally different had I received one word of apology from her.  Had she expressed remorse or regret, had she expressed that she felt she’d made a mistake, or felt badly – I would be in a much better place than I am.   Instead she mocked me, called me names, ridiculed me physically, and then expressed excitement and joy in the fact that my hard work and strife would be going to pay HER child support.  She expressed joy at the idea of me slaving away to pay her monthly while she sits back and collects.  She actually said the words, followed by a “Yay me!”.   She then dragged us through the legal system with the help of a free lawyer, cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars, and continues now to squabble over $20 prescriptions for her child, for which we pay $19, and she pays $1 because her income is so disparate to ours.

Instead of facing two people keen on putting this behind us, and vowing to make better choices, I have only one who has ever once shown me that those 10 months were a mistake, were regretted, and were wrong.  The only one who has stepped up, been courageous enough to take the fall – my husband.  Remorse goes a long way to fixing a problem like this.  She will never ever ever show remorse.  Psychopathic narcissists like this simply can’t ever find fault with themselves.  So don’t anyone tell me that I don’t have the right to hate her, or to find her culpable.  Don’t tell me that she owes me nothing.  Don’t tell me that my husband was more responsible than she was.  It takes TWO, and in my reality, only one is paying their penance.

When the smoke blows in your face, it rarely tastes good


I just learned today that the crazy, manipulative, drama mama made another police complaint against me.  Man, this woman has a lot of time on her hands.  Should I be surprised given that she is making almost $4K per month in child support and childcare costs from us?  She is making more from having had this baby, than she was ever making in her career.  She has no need to work anymore….she can just stay home and collect the moolah.

In her copious free time, it appears the babymama has contacted the police not once, but twice, to report me.  The first report was made in August 2011, at which time I was telephoned by a constable at the district station for the area in which I live.  Because I wasn’t home, they left a message with our sitter, but the details were sketchy, and frankly I thought it was a crank caller.  Come October, I received the call, detailed in the post I’ve linked to above, and spoke with a constable who provided me with a “warning” and asked that I cease all contact with the mistress.  I asked him what evidence she had provided to substantiate her claim, and I was told that there was none, and that the call was merely to let me know they were closing the file.  Of course there was no evidence….I’ve not harassed nor stalked this pitiful example of humanity since I’ve ‘known’ of her.  Her lunatic mind has concocted a bunch of stories, none of which are grounded in truth or reality, so I’ve learned to be less concerned.  I was. admittedly, quite shaken by the call, as it isn’t every day that you get a call from the police.  But, I would have been much better equipped to handle it, had the constable not spoken to me in a tone as if to assert that I was considered guilty, when I, in fact, was not.  I ended the phone call, and immediately wrote it off as ‘just another pathetic move by the sad and lonely woman whose life belongs in a trailer park”. On with life already.

Come November, I was part of an online event for individuals in my industry, and needed to tweet the details of the event to my following on twitter, so that they could get involved and spread the word.  In order to do this, I would have to unprotect my twitter account, to allow new followers to make contact in the wake of the event.  For the month of November and December, my twitter account was reopened, after almost 6 months of lockdown.  I was originally apprehensive about doing this, as the mistress seems to enjoy her sideline view of my life, and I am not keen on giving her a front row seat to my life.  But, I was hopeful that perhaps a 6 month “palm-in-the-face” each time she has tried to access my twitter site would dissuade her from checking in.  I was wrong.  She is obsessed.  After 6 months, she hadn’t relented, and was obviously making repeated check-ins to see if I had unlocked the account, or perhaps she just googles me daily….either way, she is infatuated with me to a sick degree.  When she found the account was open, she decided she would read each and every tweet.  Sick….I know.

Soon the emails started coming from her lawyer, claiming that I was tweeting about her.  Interestingly, she started taking what I wrote on twitter, and making the assumptions that I was talking about her.  This poor woman has given herself far more credit than she actually deserves, and seems to believe that I am far more impacted by her than I actually am.  When I wrote that a song reminded me of a ‘certain someone’, she claimed I was talking about her, and ran to her bargain basement lawyer.  We got an email, warning us that my ‘behaviour would not be tolerated”.  When I posted to a friend that I would be sending her an email exchange between me and a client of mine which I thought she would find interesting, the little maggot thought I was talking about her, and sharing her emails with the legal details of her case with my friends online.  Loser.  It seems anything that I write is assumed to be about her.  Guess what sweetheart, my world does not revolve around you, and I do have legitimate conversations and daily dealings that have nothing to do with you.  You don’t permeate my every day, and are far less thought about or considered than you seem to think that you are.  Get a life.

In December, when I was told that she would be launching a new complaint with the Police, I decided I’d had enough.  The calls from the police with false allegations were, in and of themselves, harassing.  I don’t want to have to deal with her crap when I pick up my phone, and have to defend myself against this garbage.  I decided I would contact the police and let them know that this was going on.  I figured future complaints from her needed to be taken in context with the nutbar that she is, and that perhaps they would take them with a BOULDER of salt the next time she made another claim.  I sent them all of the hurtful emails, text messages, threatening messages, and examples of her twitter-stalking, and today they asked me to come into the precinct to meet with them in person.  I was thankful for the opportunity.

I sat with two detectives who had taken the time to read through the material.  They were, to be blunt – shocked.  They were amazed by the inhumanness of her emails to me, especially in the wake of the affair, when confronted by the woman who she’d wronged, she decided to  try and hurt me further.  Had she not thought she’d done enough?  Apparently not.  They were shocked by her communications and agreed that sounded looney.  In the end, they said that they wished to call her and caution her against any further communication with me or monitoring of my online presence.  I agreed to this, and felt that it may be the only way to get her to stop, so I agreed. They also suggested that I get a peace bond from the Justice of the Peace for my own protection.

Within an hour of leaving the precinct, I received a call from the officer to whom I had given my statement.  Apparently, in her words, she had “called Ms. XXX, and cautioned her.  It didn’t go very well”.

Me:  Can you qualify what you mean by “it didn’t go very well?”
Officer: Well basically she lost it on the phone.
Me:  Lost it?
Officer: She is very angry.  She started screaming and became hysterical.  So, my partner and I will be paying her a home visit?  I would suggest that you be very careful of your person and personal surroundings over the next while.  She appears very unstable, and I just want you to make sure that you are extra vigilant these next few days.
Me: Because you think she will try and hurt me?
Officer: We don’t know, but given her reaction, it is just a precaution.
Me: You are going to her home?  Why?
Officer: I spent about 15 mins trying to arrange a time to see her.  She refused to see me, and became very angry, claiming that she is the victim here.
Me:  Of course she did. What else is new?
Officer:  Well I told her that I don’t like to conduct these things over the phone, and prefer to see who I am talking with. I told her that she too should have the opportunity to ensure that I am who I say I am, and meet with me to discuss.  My partner will be paying her a visit.  We are headed over there now.
Me:  Prepare yourself for the waterworks, and the sob story pity-party.
Officer:  We will be in touch to let you know what transpires
Me:  I’d like to thank you for all of your help, and for going the extra step to ensure this is handled appropriately.  I really appreciate it.

I got off the phone with the officer, and I have to admit that a smile crept to my face.  I found it comical that she reacted so ridiculously to the phone call, took it as such an affront, and yet has no problem dishing that same thing out to me.  It is fine for her to call the cops on ME and to have them call MY home to issue me a warning, but when the smoke is blown back in her face, she realizes it doesn’t taste so good.  Reaping what you’ve sown?  You mess with fire…you get burned.  I hope this will at least make her think twice about continuing her ridiculous behaviour, let it go, and just MOVE ON ALREADY.  We have.

I hope she sleeps well tonight having reaped a little of what she’s sown. Now she just needs a skank whore to sleep with her husband, become pregnant by him and use her spawn as a cash-grab to get free handouts using the legal system….oh and the skank whore has to then harass her for more than 2 years, threaten her, rack up her legal bills and create false claims against her.  I can guarantee that if she reacts like THAT to a phone call from the police, the other scenario would tip her off her already unbalanced rocker.  The funny thing is, that I don’t think she has EVER ONCE put herself in my shoes to realize that my reactions are absolutely justified…she would not have reacted with nearly the class, decorum and integrity that I have…she doesn’t have it in her.

Perspective


Sometimes it takes me a day or so to mull things over.  Some time to massage the details, and then come up with how I really feel. With the events of the other day having sunk in,  I think I have it.

I feel great.  Really, I do.  This has been a nightmare 2 years, and for those who have never experienced this, I really hope that you never do.

I am sure there are readers who’ve read through this blog, the details of the hurt and the struggle, and whose first thoughts were “Why the hell are you choosing to stay with a scumbag who cheated on you?”, and you wouldn’t be wrong in having those thoughts.  Those thoughts echo the very thoughts that I would ask myself when I woke up in the morning and stumbled to the mirror.  I can understand the confusion my decision brings to others.  I can also understand the anger it likely brought to those close to me who didn’t want to see me hurt, again.  I know that my mother held a great deal of anger towards my husband – he betrayed her little girl.  He betrayed our family.  He disrespected the vows that he took when we married.  Sadly, my mother passed away before she would ever rectify those feelings with him.  My mother was also reacting out of transference because she too was betrayed by my father – several times.  To her, it was something that was destined to repeat, so to watch me stay caused her angst.   Until you experience this firsthand, you have absolutely no way of knowing the decision you will make in the aftermath of an affair.  6 months before my husband revealed his affair, a friend of mine told me of hers. She had slept with another man behind her husband’s back.  I was sick.  I was disgusted.  I thought to myself that if that ever happened to me, I would walk.  And then it did happen to me, and I stayed.  Some may view my decision as ‘weak’.  Others will view it as “strong”.  It depends on how you see things – the perspective you have, informed by the experiences you’ve had.   Relationships are complex. They can’t simply be dissected into even little pieces, each of them a small reflection of the bigger picture.  No, instead they are messy, the edges are jagged, and the components that make up the whole are very complicated.  It is never as easy or as straightforward on the inside as it appears on the outside.  It goes to show that you really can’t judge a situation until you have been in it.

Looking back over the last couple of days, since the legal matters were all tied up, I feel a tremendous sense of relief.   Yes, I was initially quite angry at the thought that this whore would be receiving additional money from me, money she doesn’t deserve, money that comes out of the mouths of MY CHILDREN, and straight into her pockets so that she can continue to remain unemployed, living off the hard work of others, feeling entitled to it because she pushed out a baby…oh wait, no she didn’t – she had a c-section to preserve the integrity of her vagina. Shallow much?   It’s right up there with her fake breasts which I’ve heard really aren’t anything to write home about, which look awkward, and which don’t fit her body at all.  I guess her physical fucked-upedness has just met her mental fucked-upedness. I think it’s always a good idea to be consisent, don’t you? 🙂

After receiving countless emails from those who read this blog from all over the world, I’ve been given such support and a positive outlook, and I can’t thank you enough.  I loved Pippi’s comment on the last thread that mentioned that yes she has our money, but so what?  We will make more.  She is right.  It is only money.  It isn’t something that can’t be replaced.  It is meaningless.  She can’t have our love for one another.  She can’t have our bond.  She can’t have our family.  She can’t have our happiness.  We are immune to her.  The financial impact will be minimal in the end, and will simply stop the legal bleeding that has been going on for months.  The payout for her is massive.  $27,000.00 is more money than she makes in a year in her job.  She, as seems to be the case with many of these low-life mistresses who see $$$ and decide to put out, she is a low income earner.  Hell, I earned more money in my part time job in university than she does in her professional job.  My salary today is well over 20x what she is capable of earning.  Why is that important?  I mention this only because the financial impact of what she has received (and I don’t say the word “won” because she hasn’t won here), is not that severe.  We will manage just fine, and in the end, would have paid far more for the same end result: having her OUT of our lives.  She is now just a yearly set of cheques made out in advance, and a yearly tax review.  On a day to day basis, she will no longer grace our dinner table conversation, although I am certain we will still enjoy the jokes at her expense.  They are too funny to pass up.

I am glad I have come to this place.  It feels new.  It feels like I’ve arrived.  It feels like I’ve survived.  I feel like I’ve won.  So…..”Yay me mother-fucker!”*

*Yay me is an expression the OW used quite often in her written tormenting emails to describe how she would prevail over me, and how I would be suffering in the days to come, but she would be unscathed.  Yay me was her way of inflicting pain and torment.  Today, I offer it back.  Eat it bitch. 🙂

Stronger than ever in the wake of his affair

Stronger than ever

 

 

I kicked her ass and it felt great


The other day, I saw the mistress. She stumbled upon where I was, and suddenly started making comments designed to hurt me. She mocked me, laughed at me, smirked at me. I couldn’t control the anger that welled up inside of me, and before I knew it, I had grabbed her by the hair, twisted the handful so hard that it drew her head closer to my hand, and had her locked in a bent-over position. I kneed her in the stomach as hard as possible and watched her gasp for breath. She fell to the ground and I pounded and pounded on her as hard as I could until there was nothing left, and she disappeared. Moments later, she reappeared and it happened all over again. Different places, same scenario repeated over and over and over again until I woke up from the dream and so desperately wished that it had been real. I would love to have her neck in my hands. I would choke the breath out of her with my bare hands, and enjoy watching her struggle. I would watch the colour leave her face, and the life slip from my grip. Before her heart had the chance to beat one last time, I would look her in the eyes and say “He loves me”. She would be wise not to ever find herself anywhere close to me. I will literally claw her eyes out for what she has brought upon my family.

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