The day after I had posted about Valentine’s Day, and how the meaning for me has greatly shifted since his affair, but moreso since my view on relationships has become more….realistic, he sent me these words, and permitted me to post them here. I thought I would share.
Last night after midnight, as I was leaving the work, tired, wasted, and with aching feet, I received your post about Valentine’s day. What a painful way to feel – for you and all those partners of betraying spouses! How sad it makes me feel that I did this to you, and how deflating it is to the spirit of love, on a day hallmarked by society to celebrate love! It is further deflating that the feeling the betrayed spouse feels is even lower than that experienced by those without a partner to love on Valentine’s day. That last point wasn’t explicitly stated, but inferred, at least to me, from the post. And salvation from these feelings comes from gratitude for the small things, a manicure, not getting an STD, or visiting the salon……
On my lonely drive home, ridden with guilt and remorse for destroying your festive feelings of Valentine’s day, I started to ponder love. Love for a spouse, a child, a parent, a cause, a nation…. Love for another person. I realized in my thoughts that Love is gigantic! It encompasses all that we do, all that we feel, all that we are. It brings us joy, despair, and anger. Love leads us to celebrate, to mourn, to laugh, and to cry.
Love is powerful! It lifts us up when we are down, it fills our hearts when there is emptiness, and carries us when we have nothing left to give. It drives us to win wars, perform superhuman acts, or reach farther than we ever thought that we could. Love inspires us to create, build, and to strive. Love unites us, divides us, and conquers us.
Love is simple. It doesn’t require a contract, a building, or a permit. It can be experienced by anyone, animals, children, and friends. It can happen anywhere, through any medium, and without special planning.
Love is deep! No wonder love is symbolized by the heart. It’s at the core of one’s soul. It resides in the deepest and most sensitive part of one’s body.
So how does all this impact the couples who have lived through infidelity? Those who were hurt by a spouse that strayed, became involved with another, and betrayed. How can one celebrate their love of that person?
In our relationship, where I was the betraying spouse, it was my love for my wife that led me to spend day after day trying to win back her heart. It was my love for her that led me to overcome my shame and announce my biggest mistake to strangers so that she could receive their support, even if it was at my expense. It was my love for my wife that gave me hope during my darkest hours that maybe she will forgive me. It was my love for my children, my wife, and my family that kept me from killing myself when I felt there was no reason for living.
In committing infidelity, our vows were broken and cannot be repaired, but the strength of our love transcended those vows. Our love was the cement that held us together during the roughest challenge in our lives, and when all else failed, conversations, counselors, books, and friends, our love was there for us guiding a path for us to follow through this hurricane that we endured.
I never understood Valentine’s day the way that I understand it now, because I never experienced love the way that I experience it now. I believe that Love is deserving of more than a single day. Without feeling love I would not be here today. I would not have had the fortitude to survive the ordeal that I survived, and I would not have had the perseverance stay on this course. It was by far the most difficult experience of my life.
Now that I am through most of the storm of infidelity that I brought into our lives, I am grateful for the existence of Valentine’s day. It is a day that is devoted to thinking about Love, which is at the core of everything that we do. I am grateful that it exists, because I have come to understand the meaning of love a little bit better than I did in the past. I have come to appreciate the clichés about love:
- Love conquers all
- All we need is love
- At least we have our love
- Without love there is nothing
- ETC….
Those clichés have a new and deeper meaning to me.
I love you very much! Sometimes I feel anger, and sometimes you do too. That’s okay, because if there was no love, there would be nothing to get angry about. Our love has moved mountains as it guided us through this most difficult time in our marriage. I feel that should be celebrated. So I got you a gift for valentine’s day. If you don’t want to open it, and you don’t want to celebrate this day – I’ll understand. I can take it back. I don’t want to impose my beliefs upon you. Every day that we experience love is a reminder of the power of love.
So I take this moment to wish you happy love day, happy every day!
Husband
Rescuing My Marriage 
Nice. Sounds like there’s hope for him yet.
Absolutely. It’s his compassion and ability to work with me that allowed us to heal our marriage.
This is amazing! Thank you for sharing
Yeah I guess its the cynic awakened in me by betrayal that wonders why love was not enough for him to keep it in his pants. My husband waxes eloquent too. But its funny how they find their gift afterwards. And I wonder how long it will last. I also wonder what words he exchanged with her…ugh. sorry…Must be a full moon….
This touched me greatly. Thank you for sharing and God bless….may your relationship improve daily.
Bravo, Mr RMM.
You may have screwed-up but you were brave enough to give RMM full disclosure at an early stage. As a result, the pair of you are standing side-by-side and facing the fallout together. You’re not separated by guilt, on one side, and fear of the next shoe dropping on the other.
I wish my husband had been able to give me that honesty at a much earlier stage.
Communication is the key to most things and you are thinking and talking – and writing – about your feelings, something most men struggle with.
Thank you both for sharing this with us.
If every WH truly felt like Mr RMM ( & Mr B http://www.whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com ) there’d be MANY MORE healed marriages!
I’m a WS and I can imagine I will get lots of negative comments in response to this. But I understand exactly what your husband is saying. I’ll give you a brief history and let you know where we are, any responses will be greatly received 🙂
My story
I had been with my partner just 18months at the time and things were mostly amazing we were madly in love with one another, I had never had anyone treat me how he did. The only thing I found difficult was that as much as he showed me and I felt his love he never told me and I had begin to convince my self that I was losing him, I was in a very dark and bad place myself emotionally at the time, so it made it easier to look at everything negatively .
It was just over 14months ago and I wasn’t feeling well so cancelled seeing my friend, and this guy had been messaging me a week or so, my partner knew I showed him all the messages, anyway the guy popped over to see if I was ok on his way home from work (my partner and I don’t live together). I let him in for generally chit chat I thought it was a nice jesture, my partner was messaging me and I took longer to reply this played on his mind as normally I reply quickly. As me and this guy got chatting it turned a bit flirty, he said he’s was intrigued to know more about me, before I knew it he was in front of me and lent in to kiss e, I didn’t respond straight away. I was consumed with guilt, I was numb and I guess it felt like an out of body experience, a bad one I didn’t seem to have control, but I know I did I just couldn’t find the strength to say no. One thing lead to another and we slept together, I faked it as I wanted it over quickly I just couldn’t push him off but I never said no either I bit my lip hoping it would end soon. Finally it did ad I have this feeling someone was watching, I looked out the window but didn’t see anyone I put it down to guilty feelings. I covered myself up didn’t want him to see me when he returned to the lounge. I made lots of comments that I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but he stayed another hour. He left I cried and cried. My partner messages to say he was coming over. I knew he knew. I was dying on the inside but seemed ‘normal’ on the outside. He did know he said it was over said he never loved anyone the way he loved me and I’ve ruined it all.
Over the next few weeks we met up when we could we talk through everything I answered all questioned truthfully, showed him that I did love , tried to prove, I did everything I could gave him space when needed, listened, let him shout let him cry whatever he needed I did. He decided he loved me enough to try to make it work spoke about what I needed to do, what he needed to do. I suggested councilling he refused. He has only used it once against me and soon apologised. But I said its ok part and parcel of the healing process. The next few months after D Day seemed too good to be true he said he would open up more I promised never to let him down, betray or hurt him again. I’ve stuck to it, he found the opening up difficult, I guess undeserving on my part seems I had hurt him so badly. I’ve let it slide, mention it now and again but he says its too hard even tho he does love me I believe him.
We have had amazing memories since then and a few bad, but we are in a much better stronger place. Amazing considering I still see the guy now and again due to work but it’s only ever for a few minutes, a constant and hurtful reminder for me and him I tell him if I am going to see him. The year anniversary has been and gone it was emotional and hard for us both but we came through. The hardest hurdle as been this week my partner saw him only briefly but it was enough he shut me out it was hard but I let him know I was thinking of him and will be there for him. We spoke today after our longest no contact, not even a day!, but it seems distant still I’m not surprised and I’m willing to do what ever he needs from me.
I guess I’m looking for advice on how to help him, other than listening, taking what he throws at me, waiting for him to let me know when he’s ready to talk, showing him that I love him and will be there fighting for him no matter what etc etc
I have not strayed since even in low moments its not even crossed my mind, he is my everything in life and I will never risk losing him again. People do change. I changed. HE changed. We changed. It’s still one day at a time little by little but its worth every step we Make, he says he will never forgive me and doesn’t think he can ever give me his all and the trust will be lost too. I live in hope he can and I will fight until my dying day for him.
Thanks for reading all comments welcome xxx
Anon pls rd the 96-pg bk “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald (a/b $10 Amazon). God bless!