It has been a while. It has been a LONG while. A lot of life has happened since I last updated the blog, and I look forward to diving back in, providing updates, and reconnecting. I know that this blog was a source of inspiration and resonance for so many, and honestly was so healing for me, while writing it, to know that it was helping others.
I haven’t updated this blog for a few reasons:
Number one, I was finding that posting, once I had reached a certain point in my own healing, was acting as more of a reminder of past pain, and I wasn’t personally needing to write for my own healing anymore, nor did I want to live in the past. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop writing, I just gradually posted less and less and then stopped without even really noticing that I had. I looked forward, and my own journey took another turn, and then another, and then another.
Number two, I felt embarrassed. As my long-time readers know, this blog was focused on my repairing and restoring of my marriage, and I was actively doing all that I could to understand affairs, understand the mind of the unfaithful, and of the OW, doing self-care, and doing therapeutic work. I was actively involved in coaching other betrayed women through a well-reputed program launched by a mentor and friend. I was proud of the work my husband was doing to show me he wanted to be better. He had been doing all of the right things, saying all of the right things, engaging with me in what felt like all the right ways. So, when I found him cheating again, in February 2017, I didn’t feel that I could face you. I was embarrassed for ever standing by hum. I wasn’t ready for the admonishment, the judgment, the “I-told-you-so’s”. I had spent years defending him to all of the nay-sayers who would come and post comments like “once a cheater, always a cheater”, and “your issue should lie with your husband who made marriage vows to you, and not the other woman who made you no promises” (I still disagree with that line of thinking, but that is a tangent I don’t wish to chase at the moment). I didn’t want to admit that they had been right, and that I had been wrong. I was wrong.
It is now March 2021, a full decade after I started this blog, and I am in the midst of a 4 year divorce with no end in sight. We separated in March 2017 (what is it about March?), and it has been the longest and most painful divorce process imaginable. I still don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am tired, I am broke, but I am not broken.
I don’t want to be embarrassed that he cheated again. I don’t want to be embarrassed that I chose to see the best in someone who let me down, again. I don’t want to be embarrassed that I chose to believe in hope, possibility of change, and the existence of true remorse. Maybe the fact that I did makes me naive. But I won’t apologize for fighting for my marriage, or for fighting for my husband, and trying to see him in the best light possible, when he least deserved it. I won’t apologize for wanting to see him as the man I married. I don’t offer any apologies.
I was wrong. I was idealistic. I was betrayed a second time, after offering my forgiveness to a man who never deserved it, and who clearly didn’t value it.
And so this blog takes a new turn, starts a new chapter, and has a new focus. I have no plans to rename the blog, even though I am no longer rescuing my marriage. I am now rescuing myself, and my children, but I don’t want to dishonour what brought me here, nor what I was fighting for. I won’t apologize for being naive, I just was. I won’t apologize for being idealistic, I just was. I won’t apologize for trying to see the best, and believing he could be different. He couldn’t. I don’t own that.
I was betrayed a second time by a man who never deserved my forgiveness. I am now fighting to reclaim my footing, and wrap up a long divorce, 4 years in the ring, with no end in sight.
Thank you for reading, and for your support. More to come.