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An orchestrated seduction


There’s that saying: “In the right place at the right time”.  Apparently that’s possible.

At the time that the affair with his mistress started, my husband had been going through some personal turmoil that had left him feeling very alone and traumatized.  Our lives were so busy, each of us wrapped up in our careers, and simultaneously trying to provide so much to our children.  We rarely had any opportunity to focus on “US”.   At a time when he was scared and sad, she was fun and bubbly.  When I was wrapped up in the kids’ schedules, carpooling and busy dealing with the mundane side of raising a family, she was childless, carefree, and a bundle of enthusiasm.

In Shirley Glass’ book “Not Just Friends”, she mentions that forbidden relationships carry with them a magnetism and excitement that gives the affair partner (the other woman) a distinct advantage when comparing the two relationships.   She is careful to point out that it isn’t that the wives are dull and boring and that the affair partner is exciting and illuminating.  She goes on to mention that when comparing the two women, the betraying partner isn’t so much comparing the women as he is comparing how it feels to be idealized by her in a fantasy world they have created versus being in a reality-based long term committed relationship.   Marriage takes work, and involves many factors (mortgage payments, kids schooling, job woes, responsibilities and commitments…), while the affair is pure fun.  If the betraying spouse suddenly had his affair partner asking about money issues, issues with kids, questions about bills and home repairs, the relationship would suddenly seem less exhilerating.

She was in the right place at the right time, and knew all the things to say.  Carefully placed criticisms of me, playfully contrasted against opposing positive comments about her to force a comparison.  Suggestions that his life is stressful and difficult because of me contrasted against her easy-going, fun-loving, bubbly nature.  Knowledge of our planned evening of tax planning contrasted against her plans to frequent a martini bar with friends, carefully juxtaposed for effect.  It worked, and before he knew it, they were secretly sneaking kisses at work.  He should have told me then.  He didn’t.

Not too long afterwards, the sexual tension increased.  The mutual attraction was confessed, and texting turned into sexting.  Titillating messages back and forth at night before bed, or throughout the day aimed at increasing desire and maintaining interest.  Casual kisses soon turned to hotel room escapades after work disguised as meetings.  It was all very believable to me; he worked late hours, had multiple roles in his job which required late meetings or long days.  It certainly raised no red flags.  She made it all very accessible and easy when she said “If at anytime one of us wants out, just say so, and this is over…no questions asked”.

Before long, they both found themselves at an impasse where work was concerned.  She was let go due to friction with other co-workers, and he was itching to launch a new enterprise.  Having just been fired, she accused him of using her for sex.  When he explained that he hadn’t, she reached into the ‘girl-bag’ and pulled out the ‘manipulation’ card.  Knowing that he is an honourable man who would never want to cheapen someone’s sense of self worth, she played on that, and asked for proof that he cared about her and that she wasn’t being used.  He hired her, and offered her a job.  Her plan was falling together nicely, as they were now going to be working together one-on-one in a private office, on a project that they both felt mutually excited about.  His project was the construction of a dream, her project: the destruction of a marriage.

In the fall of 2009, my girlfriend confessed to an extramarital affair.  I was disgusted.  I was angry.  I felt intense pity and sadness for her husband who was clueless to the affair, but had just been informed that she no longer wanted to be in the marriage.  I came home to my husband and told him what I’d learned.  For effect I chose to add the comment “If someone ever did that to me [have an affair], you could be sure I’d be out the door before you finished your sentence”.  Knowing he was already embroiled in an affair, he was convinced I could never find out.  He had to find a way out of it without any collateral damage.

A few weeks into the new work arrangement, he said he wanted out.  It wasn’t right.  He felt guilty, and couldn’t continue.  He had, as he described it, satisfied his curiosity for what it would be like to be with another woman, and hadn’t really been interested in pursuing further hookups after the second or third time.  The sex wasn’t great, the guilt was too much to bear, and it wasn’t who he is.  He asked her to help him stop the affair.  After all, it had been her who’s said “If at anytime one of us wants out…”  He now sees that was just a way for him to feel comfortable.  ‘Make him feel safe, make him feel comfortable, and he will be more apt to jump in the car with me’ was probably her thinking.

When he continued to tell her he was done, and wanted out, she threatened to tell me all of the details, expose the lies, and ruin him professionally.  She claimed that she would charge him with sexual harassment in the workplace, and call his professional associations.  Fearing the loss of his family and his career, he carried on.  This pattern continued for seven months, with her advances leading to sex after work.  On the days when he would refuse to engage in sex with her, his evenings would be replete with angry text messages, expressions of hurt that he didn’t care about her, and threats to expose the relationship.  On a few occasions, I actually received text messages or emails designed to make me question their relationship.  They were obscure enough that he could probably explain them away, but all she wanted to do was plant a seed of suspicion in my mind….it would then grow and do all the work for her to implode our marriage.  It didn’t work.

Within a few weeks, the unborn child became yet another weapon in her master plan to control him.  As disgusting as it sounds, and as hard to believe as it is, she started using the child’s life against him.  “If you leave your wife to be with me, I will terminate this pregnancy”.  Now those of us with rational minds find this completely ridiculous, and barbaric.  He would tell her time and time again he didn’t want another baby, and would NOT  be involved in the life of this child if she chose to have it.  Since he was being given no choice in whether this pregnancy would continue, he made it very clear that if she is making this choice alone, she will also be raising this child alone.  Never having had any children, she had an unrealistic fantasy of what parenting would look like.  To her it was probably someone to love her.  I don’t think she feels much love.  Her behaviour and the way in which she feels she needs to manipulate in order to get attention and love tells me that she has never come by it easily.   I feel sorry for her.  That will be another post.

It was starting to become clear that he needed to tell me.  She was exerting pressure on him to do so.  The ultimatum was that if he didn’t tell me, she would.  All mistresses want the married man to tell the wife.  They think it will implode the marriage from the inside, the wife will kick him out, thereby opening the door for her to walk in and take her prize.  It is the moment they have been working towards and waiting for.  He had told her several times that he didn’t want to leave me, and that if I did leave him as a result, he was NOT going to be with her, and would likely never marry again.  He no longer trusted women, and if he couldn’t have me, he wanted nothing.  She didn’t buy it.

She walked him through, step by step, what he would say to me, how he would tell me.  She even rehearsed it with him.  He had no intention of saying anything that she was planting, but felt he had to play along with her to keep her calm.   As long as she believed he was on board, she wouldn’t snap, go off the handle and embark on a tirade of crazy.  According to him, the hardest part of all of that was to pretend to be on board, and to say the prepared words “I don’t love you.  I’ve never loved you.  I don’t want to be with you anymore”.  The words tasted sour in his mouth and made him sick to his stomach, but it was, in the end, all pretend.  He wasn’t going to tell me that way.  He didn’t feel that way.  She just hoped he did, and she wanted me to hurt.

Affairs are unfair on so many levels.  Not only do you lose the closed intimacy that you share with your husband, and not only do you now share his body with another.  You also have a person hell bent on hurting you, damaging you, desperately wanting you to feel intense pain, willing to do or say anything to make you go away. The hatred from the affair partner to me was intense.  The question I asked, and still do is: What did I do to deserve it?   Nothing.  That is the part I don’t think I will ever understand.

In recent discussions with my husband, now one year after the affair, he is realizing that he was targeted, and that this was all a plan from the beginning for her.  Here is this nice family man.  He’s sensitive and kind, and he loves his kids.  He’s a good looking, intelligent, physically fit man who, in my humble opinion, is a great catch.  He earns a great income, and supports his family with care and love.  Knowing that she was single, 34, with no man on the horizon, she decided that she wanted in on prize, and set her sights on easing him out of his current arrangement into one that included her.  Knowing he was going through a rough patch personally, all it took was her showing him some kindness, compassion, and pretending to be interested in his feelings.

He feels used, and taken.  I think it probably feels humiliating if I have to try and place myself in his shoes.  He was lied to for a year too…the difference was that he didn’t love her, while I did and DO love him.  It hurts to be lied to strategically by someone who purports to care.  It hurts a lot.

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Comments

  1. Still Loving Him says:

    I also believe the OW targeted my husband. He was the regional manager when the affair started and by the time it ended he was VP and she was the top sales person. It makes me sick to think that he aided in her career. He left the company so I would stay with him, she’s still there. I think she set her eyes on him as soon as he hired her on the recommendation of a client whom she’d worked with. He said she flirted with him, complimented him constantly, started offering him rides to the airport when he was in the town she worked in. The whole thing makes me sick. When she met my husband she was actually married and having an affair with another guy who worked at a company they did business with. She is one of those women who’s always looking for the next best thing. Makes me sick.

    • These women are pathetic and disgusting. It makes me wonder what we do to girls to render them this broken. How are we not equipping them with the self esteem and confidence needed to get through life? These women cling to something that isn’t really theirs because either 1. They don’t believe they could ever find a man to love them by conventional means so they steal from others, or they simply have no respect, either for the wives and families that they destroy, or respect for themselves. But where does the entitlement come from? That’s not low self esteem, is it? Is it an overcompensation?

      • Still Loving Him says:

        I think they covet what they think they can’t have so they forcefully attempt to take it. My husband told his main AP over and over that it wasn’t that kind of relationship but she kept throwing herself at him. She would give him a ride to the airport and pull over in a parking lot on the way and give him oral sex. I guess it was her way of leaving what ever little mark on him that she could before he came home to me. She was a sick bitch. Another woman who he was with that was my friend stalked him, telling him she could give him everything I did and that she saw how good he treated me and she wanted my life. He was only with that woman once and she started all that. I guess I’m thankful that he was just seeking sex when he was out of town and not someone to replace me at home. If you can be thankful for that kind of thing. Your question about why these women want something that’s not there’s really made me think, you’ve inspired a blog post about it. I’ll title it, The Siamese Cat, so you’ll know which one it is.

      • I look forward to reading it. But what is it in their psyche that makes them feel they need to take something by force? Is it more satisfying, like rising to a challenge? Personally the good feelings of having risen to and conquered a challenge would be overshadowed by my guilt of what my actions caused others.

      • Still Loving Him says:

        I think that’s just it, they lack a conscience. They don’t care who they hurt, they are self centered bottom feeders trying to get to the top through their vaginas.

  2. In an email to my husband, the first one I found, his whore said ” i loved seeing you yesterday ( christmas eve) i love how you will be with me under and conditions”…. guess thats how she rationalized it…

    • It makes them feel “worth it” that a man will take this risk for them. It boosts their self esteem from the floor. To know that a man is willing to be pulled from a secure place to be with them makes them feel they have some worth when inside they feel they have none.

  3. How long did the whole affair last?
    I hope you don’t take me otherwise, I never understood the part about advances of 7 months. I mean 7 months is a pretty long time for someone to stay in forced sex or relationship. I know he was afraid to lose his family and career but still 7 months? I am sure that was when she must have planned getting pregnant. she must have thought whether or not I get this man, I will get his money for sure.
    and did she wanted to have sex every evening after work? I did not understand.
    I mean it takes real guts to go home to your wife and children after doing * with OW .

    I really admire you to have come over with this. I cannot even imagine myself in this situation. I cry at your every line you have written.

    I think things would have been easier if she had not gotten pregnant because that is really hurtful.
    She destroyed five lives you, your three children and the little girl of hers. I wish she doesn’t grow up to become like her mother.

    • Well the affair started in June 2009. It was flirtation at first and sex started that July. By August, he was ready to end it. I guess the novelty wore off. He suggested to her that starting in September they just be friends. She was angry and told him she felt used. He felt like a heel having made a woman feel used for sex so he kept her at work to show her he valued her for more than just sex. It took a few weeks but he managed to get her to agree. I think that’s when the plotting started for the baby. I can’t recall now and would have to ask, but something reignited things in January and she became pregnant. They were without sex from October-January so really the affair as far as it went was only June-July, and then January-February. She told him about the pregnancy in February and the threats had been ongoing throughout to tell me, even since June. Pressure built with the baby and she didnt want it, but used it as bargaining chip. She had started texting me “by accident” at that point. He told me in march.

      • I think after telling you he could have pretend to her that he is coming to her and wait for her to abort the baby. then come back to you… as it is she launched a suit against you and you had to pay her…
        I read on the internet an account where a man did that… the OW aborted the child and then he came back to his wife…. no baby drama now in the wife’s life.

      • We actually considered that. I just couldn’t bear him pretending to be interested in her and at the time didnt have the foresight to know how much drama she was going to introduce into our lives. We assumed it was just the child. Not the lawsuits, not the child support emails threatening to act up if she doesn’t get her way. In the thick of the crisis we weren’t thinking of anything but rebuilding us and couldn’t think of much else. Would have been nice though.

  4. I’m just reading everything here – my husband told me yesterday about having an affair! I can’t stop crying………I don’t know what to do with myself, all i can do is google the topic. We are going to marriage counselling next week if we can make an appt. I just feel so sad. Can you give me some advice on how to deal with all these emotions so I can get through the day today?

    • Karen, I’m with you, holding you up, and I completely understand how you feel. There is nothing more devastating than the news you’ve just been given. It is completely normal to feel completely overwhelmed, as if the earth has just fallen out from beneath your feet. It is a violation that no one can ever truly understand, unless it has happened to them. I understand. If you want to send me an email privately, I would welcome an opportunity to talk to you over the phone, or by Skype, to help you deal with how you’re currently feeling.

      Those first days are the absolute worst, and I know it doesn’t help to say “it will get better”, but I would also be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you that. It doesn’t get better right away, and you are in the thick of the hardest part. Please know that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to cry all the time. You’re going to feel sad, and you’re going to feel confused. Most of all, you feel fooled and betrayed. What has happened to you is an absolute crime, and no one to minimize the payment you’re experiencing. My heart is wide open to you, and I feel intensely what you’re going through right now. Please know that you have me, you have others on this page that have shared their stories, and we are all here to support you. Please let me know what I can do.

      • Hi! (rescuingmymarriage)
        You cannot know how much your message means to me! It really is an out of control, overwhelming feeling. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years, we don’t argue, we tell each other we love one another and have two beautiful children. We spend a lot of time as a family. Also, I am a breast cancer survivor. I finished all my treatments less than two years ago. Lost my hair etc. I am not overweight, I work out, I have nice hair again, I’m a good mother! I think the problem lies in the bedroom – Having our kids only 14 months apart, (although they are 11 and 12 now) busy schedules and me not initiating sex, things slowed down almost to a complete halt. He has taken full responsibility for his actions, he says he lost himself. Neither of us have ever strayed prior to this. My husband has told me he is committed to saving us and our family. He’s reading “After the affair”, as am i – and has contacted a counsellor. I do believe he has stopped all contact with the other woman. He has been very open and answered all my questions, even though i have a hard time. It’s important to me to save my marriage. I have always loved my husband, never stopped. I feel conflicted about telling anyone else about our situation. I think i will wait until we see the counsellor. As angry and sad as I am, and I would never wish this on anyone, – I’m really hopeful that this will end up as a wake up call. I will never forget what he did to my beautiful family but I am committed to one day forgiving him. I hope i have it in me.
        Thank you again for your meaningful words at a time when i really needed them! I will continue to keep you posted.
        Karen

      • Remember that although the “bedroom” issues were there, they are not YOURS to own. You contribute to your half of those issues as MARITAL issues, but marital issues and affair issues are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. You can’t be responsible for his choice. Whether you were having active sex or not, he made a choice to stray, instead of addressing any feelings of “loss of passion” with you. It was HIS choice to do, not anything YOU had anything to do with. PLease remember that 😉 (((HUGS)))

  5. It was your husband’s mistake. What’s the use in blaming her? He is more to be blamed. Please be realistic

  6. Hmm..

  7. i just stumbled upon your blog tonight, and this is about the fourth post I’ve read (i clicked on “march” and am starting at the top of the page).

    I have to say that while I am planning to read all of it, and i realize this was an emotional time, so far, i am disgusted. you refer to your husband as an “honorable man”. umm… on a blog about his affair, you justify his action to hire his mistress as a result of his honorable nature??? well then.

    second, you seem to be perfectly okay with him threatening to not be in his child’s life. okay, so let me get this straight. it’s “honorable” of this man to refuse to be in the life of the child that HE fathered? and you’re okay with that? if it weren’t already abundantly clear to you at this point the type of wuss that you married, i would hope that this would help CLARIFY. why should an innocent child have to suffer? you call it barbaric that she would end the child’s life if he left you; i call it pure EVIL that your so-called honorable husband would neglect the baby that his lustful degenerate nature helped concieve.

    I’ve been cheated on, by a bf, not husband and i understand your emotions to an extent. the crazy mistress etc. and i know that at this point you were taking the anger you had toward HIM and placing it majorily on her to protect your love for him, and i know it made you feel good to have a “target” so to speak for this anger. if she wouldn’t have cared so much about ruining your life, it would have not been as satisfying to stay with the cheating husband, as you knew it killed her. your husband should be grateful that he chose to lay with a psychopath because it saved his ass a whole lot of suffering that you had someone else to direct your energy to. “showing her” she couldn’t break you.

    but i cannot cope with you making these excuses for him! “he triiiied to end it but she BLACKMAILED him!!!” yeah, poor victim husband. he was forced to continue to sleep with her so she’d keep quiet okay.

    question, is it ever answered on your blog whether or not your husband would have come clean if it weren’t for him and her setting up the 19th to be the day? i can tell from the few posts i’ve read alone, that you’re desperate to believe his lies to save your self-worth. but not everything the other woman does and says is simply crazy lies. your husband probably couldn’t believe his luck that you took his side so easily.

    fyi, my boyfriend was scum in my eyes for what he did. we worked it out and are now happy, but he didn’t do HALF of what your husband did and i would NEVER paint him in anyway as a victim. the groupie he cheated with is not worth the energy to write about and i told her so, but her vindictiveness toward me didn’t get my man off the hook. i’m ashamed, tho not shocked at your reaction. hopefully you came to realize some of this in time! i’ll keep reading, tho i doubt it.

    • Sorry didn’t bother reading this but maybe you’ll educate yourself about the situation before you judge a couple of posts. Read the story. Sounds like you’re a OW yourself or the result of one.

    • Not sure where the delusion lies that my husband was let off the hook. He has paid long and dear for his actions. They key here is that he did all the right things; he disclosed, and that is huge. I didn’t have to find out and I didn’t have to deal with trickle truths. I knew it all on day 1. He attended therapy with me. He listened, answered and never put his shame protection ahead of my healing. He held me up as I crumbled. He showed me he was behind me, behind us. He has had to
      Choose to not see his child because her mother is psycho and would risk our existing children. As a result he pays her handsomely to make sure she has the best of everything. OW doesn’t want him in the picture. She only wants the money.

      http://rescuingmymarriage.com/tag/husbands-letter-about-his-affair/

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